अकेले धर्म निरपेक्षता के बोझ के तले पिसता हिन्दू : How to Spot Seculars

Spotting new breed of animals is my hobby. Spotting comes after a long and minute observation of the specimen. Their overall behavior and reaction pattern along with their general perception of the world around them help immensely in this business of spotting. Few specimens give a lot of fight like the chameleons who have a very different mannerism in their reaction, depending on the situation they are in. These are very difficult to spot as they most of the time camouflage beautifully to suit their need. You need very observant eyes to pick these chameleons since they most of the time would be masquerading as normal lifeless entities but in reality would be hiding behind their camouflage to fool every one. After tireless efforts of decades I managed to spot even these chameleons in the thick of the woods and thought to have achieved the epitome until I encountered a more cloaked entity called ‘Seculars’. I am trying to spot these seculars for last 10 odd years and every time I find one of them, I see them veiled in an entirely different avatar, far dissimilar from all the earlier specimens I had seen. That said, I still have outlined a pattern among these variety of seculars. Not sure how far this piece would help readers in spotting the ‘Seculars’ successfully but nonetheless here is my journey of last decade in spotting these dreaded trimmers among us.

So who is a secular, the Indian version that is? A secular in India could be a doctor, engineer, college dropout, politician, SUV driving journalist, someone having an NGO, eNREGA sponsored Twitter handle or simply someone who doesn’t have anything else to do than becoming a secular. They most probably would be from Hindu religion. There would be specimen from other religions, convincing enough to trick you to believe them of being Secular types but they actually are not. So watch out since these guys might just be from the sub specimen of secular called ‘Secular of Convenience’. Though these guys belong to a sub-specimen they still are easier to spot. The clue to spot them depends on how you listen to them. Carefully listening every syllable of what they are speaking is the thumb rule here. Most of the time, secularism for them is all about their religion and nothing beyond. They may not agree to this but they would never mind if other religions are wiped out of this planet one fine morning. This marred wish which looks too obvious from their faces would make them easy to spot but then, you still need to hear them carefully. Case-in-point are the Javed Akhtar types. Coming back to the core issue of spotting the seculars, not its sub-species. Their noses would start as a good pointer. Though their noses would look very similar to a standard human nose, you have to observe them, every time they hear the word ‘Hindu’. In case of doubt, just utter the word ‘Hindu’ or Hindu related stuff like ‘RSS’ in front of them and watch out for some immediate twisting of their nose-tips with nostrils getting inflated as if they just smelled something awfully smelly. The nose would eventually regain its original posture after sometime or till the point they don’t hear ‘Hindu’ or ‘Hindutwa’ within a quarter mile radius; whichever occurs earlier. Don’t be surprised if you find them Hindu themselves and still possessing so much hate for the word ‘Hindu’. Remember my first line – most of the seculars belong to Hindu religion only. So it is good 97% probability that the secular you crash upon in your day-to-day life could be a Hindu.

Moving forward. Until last decade the skewed nose was considered as the early signs of spotting a secular. But that notion has changed to some extent. No, not with respect to the circuitous nose but the stuffs that makes those noses go lopsided. While earlier it was Hindu or anything to do with Hindus, now it is well corroborated that similar nose-effects are spotted by uttering another word, ‘Narendra Modi’. This new word in fact makes the nose tips do a complete 180 degree rotation. Along with the nose, even the eyes go berserk like a convoluted clitoris, which in fact has made it even easier to spot the seculars now-days. ‘Narendra Modi’ has more protruding and distinct change of facial expressions than ‘Hindu’ and no wonder this has come as a pleasant surprise for all those who want to spot a secular. When in doubt, do use one of these lines (left hand side) in conjunction with Modi and see if the reply is anywhere similar to the right hand side answers. If you find a 60% match; Voila, congratulations; you just spotted your first secular.

• Modi is a good administer – Modi is denied a USA Visa
• Modi has progressed Gujarat at a higher rate than the national average – Modi is denied a USA Visa
• Modi has provided a better conducive environment for industrial growth – Modi is denied a USA Visa
• Modi made the state machinery more accountable – Modi is denied a USA Visa
• Modi believe in growth of all, appeasement of none – Modi is denied a USA Visa
• Under Modi the road infra of the state has touched a new level – Modi is denied a USA Visa
• Modi could be the best PM that the nation can have – Modi is denied a USA Visa

That said you may not be able to complete these lines though since, by the time you finish completing ‘Modi’, a true secular would rebut you and demand an apology from Modi for the Gujarat riots. You may (optional) ask for the specific crimes for which Modi should seek an apology but be sure you won’t get any answer since the seculars even don’t know which crime they want to associate Modi with. A true secular would always want Modi to be hanged, the next second for some unknown crime which the secular believes is the worst of its kind ever happening in the history of the entire universe. Ohh, yes; before I forget. These Modi oriented seculars are also brilliant in writing letters with forged signatures of consent to foreign state heads.

Every secular is kind of an Amir Khan of Ghajni fame; just that their memory is wiped out of everything that has happened before 2002 and after that as well. A true secular will only remember the year 2002 and Gujarat though there could be exceptions who may well be remembering 1992 and Babri Mosque at the same breadth. A true secular will find reading Bhagwat Gita is a communal thing, so much so that they will agitate if someone proposes its inclusion in school text books but would offer no reaction if a chapter on ‘Rahul Gandhi’ in included. Or hang on; these may not be the purest form of seculars but an offshoot of it – ‘Psycophant Seculars’. So back to the topic. Along with absolute hate for Hindus and Bhagwat Gita, seculars would be head-over-heels in love with skull caps. For seculars, a skull cap is THE symbol of secularism. A secular, if permitted may make it constitutionally mandatory for all to wear skull caps, irrespective of their religion. So don’t be surprised if the secular you see may very well be wearing a skull cap, himself or herself.

A secular along with many noteworthy qualities, is a great admirer of terrorism, provided the terror modules belong to a particular religion. For a secular, even our courts are nothing but collection of buffoons if they happen to indict people from a particular religion on terror charges. A secular will fight with his life and corroborate absurd stories to safeguard apprehended terrorists by terming their capture/killing as an act of staged encounter. For a secular, words like Batla House and Ishrat Jehan are nothing short of holy grails. There could be few who even would add Ehshan Zafri to this holy list. A secular would routinely rush to Azamgarh and hobnob with families of the innocent lots and assure them of some imaginary justice. The moment a secular sees the carrying out of justice in the form of conviction, he would term that as miscarriage of justice instead and ask for a judicial probe. Like the word Modi, below are few lines which are again brilliant indicator of a secular syndrome. Same logic – 60% left-right similarity; congratulations.

• More than 200 people died during 26/11 terror attacks – RSS agents are involved
• Why Afzal Guru is not yet hanged – RSS agents are involved
• Why we are not eliminating all IM operatives – RSS agents are involved
• Why we are cajoling hardcore terrorists with Biryani – RSS agents are involved
• Why shout against the encounter of terrorists – RSS agents are involved
• Why show sympathy for terror accused and their families – RSS agents are involved

If the secular happens to be a journalist then it becomes little easier to spot because he or she would always be ‘evolving’ and seeing the larger picture which no one can afford to see; or may be none has that quality to see the larger picture beyond the obvious. A secular journalist will always be seen on the streets of Ahmedabad, more precisely the lanes of Juhapura and places like that and making documentaries on things that did or didn’t happen during 2002. Similar to an average secular, the journalistic seculars would also be suffering from some short-term memory loss about everything before and after 2002. For a secular journalist anything; from our cryogenic failure to our 14% food inflation; it has to be a ‘BLOW’ to Narendra Modi. So another pointer – a true secular would always be in lookout for events that are potential ‘Big Blows’ for Modi. All said-and-done, here comes the jack of all pointers – A true secular would be seen standing atop Lalkilla and announcing, “Minorities have the first right to all the resources of the country”. Or wait. Is it the jack of all pointers or the one where one sees the true seculars love it like anything to stay overnight in Dalit huts? I am little confused though. Anyway, happy spotting and don’t forget to share a note of thanks to me, every time you spot one.